Don't let your schooling interfere with your education.
~ Pete Seeger

Friday, August 8, 2008

Dreams

I used have a dream that recurred with ferocious regularity. In it I encountered a man who stood watching me, aloof and impassive, and very, very scary. In the dream I knew that this man threatened my existence, and at the beginning I would often think he was armed. He made no move toward me, yet I knew he would kill me if I didn't defend myself. I would attack him, viciously, with whatever was at hand – knives, guns, clubs, my fists. Whatever weapon I used, he absorbed my terrified violence without flinching, without backing up one inch nor raising one hand to deliver or ward off a blow. Bullets went through him, and did no damage; knives, fists, nothing harmed him in the least, nor even brought a change of expression. He stood still under the onslaught of my defense, watching me impassively, and I would realize his hands were empty. Desperate, I would continue to attack – even as the utter uselessness of my violence exploded into despair and hopelessness and wonder that any man could be so threatening while lifting not one finger to harm me.

It took years, and lots of therapy, to realize that the man was myself.

Last night I dreamed again. A woman sat nearby, aloof and impassive, yet warm, and very welcome. I wanted to impress her. I wanted her to like me. I went the stereo, which had BeBop Deluxe on it – a new CD, one I knew I loved, but not one of those I own. The haunting melody of "Adventures in a Yorkshire Landscape" played in my head. It is perhaps the most beautiful guitar riff I have ever heard. I went to play it for her; I was sure she would love it. I started searching through the songs with growing desperation, unable to find it yet sure it was on the CD. I wanted so badly for her to stay.

I was afraid she'd leave.

1 comment:

ajandmac said...

Wow, so interesting.

I'm glad you are a dreamer and that dreams speak to you, they do to me as well. This is an interesting one for sure.

The one about the man intrigues me deeply. It's so interesting what our subconscious creates without our direct input. Almost alarming at times, like we're trying to tell ourselves something.

I'm glad for you. I'm glad this dream has been revealed to you in ways you can interpret, I hope the same is true about the woman in this dream.

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.
~Helen Keller

Reading List for Information about Transpeople

  • Becoming a Visible Man, by Jamison Green
  • Conundrum, by Jan Morris
  • Gender Outlaw, by Kate Bornstein
  • My Husband Betty, by Helen Boyd
  • Right Side Out, by Annah Moore
  • She's Not There, by Jennifer Boylan
  • The Riddle of Gender, by Deborah Rudacille
  • Trans Liberation, by Leslie Feinberg
  • Transgender Emergence, by Arlene Istar Lev
  • Transgender Warriors, by Leslie Feinberg
  • Transition and Beyond, by Reid Vanderburgh
  • True Selves, by Mildred Brown
  • What Becomes You, by Aaron Link Raz and Hilda Raz
  • Whipping Girl, by Julia Serano
I have come into this world to see this:
the sword drop from men's hands even at the height
of their arc of anger
because we have finally realized there is just one flesh to wound
and it is His - the Christ's, our
Beloved's.
~Hafiz